harder to breathe

Again, I disappeared for a while but here I am with no promise for tomorrow. Sorry but that is the best I can do.
I try to write honestly but with a lighter tone even though mental illness is not really a light, funny subject. Today, however, I don't have a laugh to share. The darkness is suffocating & the pull to drift away to nothingness is so great I have to keep reminding myself that nothingness does not exist. Nothingness Does Not Exist! I am either here or in another place. I have to be patient. I have to wait until the day God chooses to be my last here on earth & as much as I wish I could know that magic number, I don't get to. I close my eyes & envision Him trying to comfort me with all the hurt of any parent longing to ease the pain of their suffering child. I imagine Him telling me that He has such indescribable joy waiting for me in the future & that the time I spend trapped & often tortured by this cruel disorder will blow away & it will be as if it never happened. It was only here for a moment. All of my issues, physical & mental, will be nothing.
Yes, I love my friends & family. I adore my son & my grandsons are my heart. I know they would be sad & would suffer if I were no longer here, especially if I chose to leave them. I don't want that for them. I also don't want to see them suffer because of my illness. I have never understood why people want their loved ones to hang on no matter how much pain they are in, no matter what their quality of life. Love me enough to want it to end for me! And yet, I am still here & will be. They won't live on wondering what they could have done to save me, feeling guilt or anger. I will admit, I do feel anger sometimes,  knowing I have to wait until someday for this to end.
So meanwhile, I wait. For this to pass. For me to start breathing again. For me to become alive enough again to try to be encouraging to someone else. To have purpose. To perhaps be beneficial to someone in a way that would never have happened if I had chosen for today to be my last day on earth. Because even though I have free will, that is a choice I have given back to the One Who gave it to me. Still waiting...