Guilt & shame. Not my best friends but still constant companions. No matter how much I tell myself that this is not my fault & even though I keep my doctor appointments, stay honest with them & take my medication correctly & on time, I can't seem to get rid of these two. I see what my illness does to my family & friends. The ability it has to make the "real me" disappear. How it tries to invade every fiber of my being so that I can no longer think or act outside of myself & it is all about me & survival...& all those thoughts about not surviving. And, well-meaning or not, the guilt & shame are made worse by those telling me to just be positive, be happy, smile as if it were merely a choice. That just validates those feelings of guilt & shame & the fact that I am weak & even lazy. Look, I am still on this earth taking whatever this mind & body dish out. It ain't for sissies but I am doing the best that I can. If I had the choice to just positive-think it away, I promise, I would. Anybody would.
dj
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