Sometimes I think we have tried every medication in every combination. I know every individual's chemistry is different. I also know nothing works forever. Several years ago I was on a very large cocktail of drugs that made me feel like the "real me" again. It lasted for a couple of years & it was glorious! Then it stopped working. Since then we have been trying different things at different dosages but I can't seem to quite get back there. I have been on Lithium, Effexor, Cymbalta, Abilify, Depakote, Klonopin, Trazadone, Latuda & Lamictal among many others. That last one worsened the clumsiness I normally have (me & gravity, we never could agree) & I fell...and fell...& fell. Down stairs onto concrete, out my front door onto the driveway, off my shoes (which are always flats) & in my bedroom, face-first into a wooden rocker resulting in two black eyes. The doctor who checked me out that day couldn't help but laugh. Thanks, buddy. I don't know what other side effects medication has caused. I have gained weight, had severe headaches (though they may be from clenching my jaws at night), had problems with my eyes moving back & forth, been nauseated & had shifts in appetite. Also my hair has been falling out for several months. A few days ago I had to have it cut off just below my ears & that was a huge change. While the woman who cuts it worked & talked she kept throwing things out there like "Boy, I can see lots of spots on your scalp!" &, when she brushed it before cutting, "Boy, look at all this hair that just came out!" Makes a girl feel pretty. Oh, & now I am told I have irritable bowel syndrome which is causing me more problems than all the others put together. They say it is from stress & not medication but I worked a high stress job long before these symptoms showed up. What I want to know is how my body can do that & not turn me into a toothpick? Note that I didn't even mention all of this in my entry on dating or rather the end of dating for me. Guess if I wrote this one first, that one would not have been necessary. Who wants a heavy, bald woman with a headache & stomach cramps that double you over?
I guess I said all that first part to say this. Finding the right treatment for you can be an excruciating, long experiment. You try something & it takes several weeks or more to see if it is going to help. And if it does, when it stops helping, you start all over again. And you do start all over again. Because this illness is not our fault but we do have a responsibility to keep trying. To take meds as prescribed, when prescribed, even if you think they are not working or if you start to feel better. Especially if you start to feel better. To see the therapist & psychiatrist & be honest & ask questions. If they are not the right fit for you, go somewhere else. You have to trust & be comfortable with your doctors. They have to listen & take you seriously. Take part in your treatment. You are the only one who really knows what is going on inside your head. And to keep trying. To hang on, even when there doesn't seem to be a reason to keep trying. Maybe you will see a glimmer of one later today or tomorrow. Better times are ahead...eventually.
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