remind me who i am

Unless you are referring to a nice relaxing time of rejuvenation, the word "lazy" is a very negative one.  Even if it is considered involuntary, at least by me.  It implies a lack of effort & responsibility.  It describes a slacker.  I have always worked very hard - at first to please others by way of making good grades in school & then to be a responsible, self-sufficient single parent.  Then at some point the personal challenge & much-sought-after self-respect played a part.  But for a long time now, I have felt like I have a big scarlet "L" on my chest.  Or forehead.  For many years I struggled so hard to prove to myself & others that I was still the same invaluable employee, loved family member & supportive, treasured friend.  Now it appears, at least on the outside, that I can't be bothered.  I no longer have a job because others finally figured out that I couldn't keep up any longer.  I am now not always available, emotionally or otherwise, to those who need me or just want the pleasure of my company.  And my list of things-to-do has been drastically shortened to only those things necessary for my cats & me to live another day.  And the guilt is killing me.  It is official - I am useless.  That's not to say that I am not still loved.  I know several people who would say that I am not useless & they would really mean it.  They would, of course, be thinking of the "me" they get on the days when I am actually fit for human interaction.  And I know God still calls me His beloved but my whole purpose for being - to have a loving relationship with Him & help others have one too - is often more than I can handle.  So here I am.  A big lump of nothing that considers a productive day one where I finally wash dishes or take out the trash, which usually only happens when someone is stopping by.  Or I might run out of laundry & have to wash a load of clothes or pay a bill online before it is past due.  And on some of the most exhausting days, I may have to be on the phone with the insurance or disability people (disability - more on that later) trying to convince them that I am not a lazy bum.  Try that sometime.  Excruciating.  Even though they really have been nice about it all.  Sometimes I think it would be really helpful if those with mental issues had to wear a big bandaid on their heads.  No explanation needed.  But really I am often the one who needs to be convinced.  I resent having to admit that I "can't" but "I just don't want to" is even worse.  I certainly don't choose to be this way.  Like I said - involuntary laziness.  And I am mortified when someone asks what I did today & "stay alive" is all I can come up  with.  But that is what it comes down to - survival.  Physically & emotionally I am often like a bear hibernating to avoid starvation during harsh winter months when food is scarce.  He could ignore his natural instinct & fight to stay out in the open where he won't live or he can withdraw into his safe place, his heartbeat slowing almost to the stopping point.  He is not lazy.  He is a survivor.  And, right this very minute at least, so am I.

dj