she don't want nobody near

I recently told a friend that I feel my illness has taken away my chance to ever be in a romantic relationship again.  She found that very sad, as do I, and asked why.  Well, for one thing, I have to live alone.  I have to have my Fortress of Solitude to retreat to when I can't face the outside world or when I have ventured into that foreign land but am too depleted to continue.  My home - cat hair, dirt and all - is my sanctuary.  And I have to have one.  The thought of sharing this space every day and night with someone who needs anything from me besides a bowl of cat food, fresh water, a scratch on the head, clean litter and an occasional chase with a laser pointer is unbearable.  Of course, I do miss many things about being in a relationship.  Those that I can remember anyway.  Hey, it's been a while.  I miss having that one person who is the first you call when something happens, whether good or bad.  I do have some girlfriends & even guy friends for that as well as my son & I am so grateful for them but it isn't quite the same.  I also miss eye-gazing.  You know what I mean.  When you feel like you are falling into someone's eyes and the world is disappearing.  I miss talks in the dark before you go to sleep.  And I will do us all a favor & skip talking about the physical stuff. 

Now I know there are many bad things about being in a relationship.  Those I haven't forgotten.  In fact, I think I know more people in unhappy relationships than good ones but I do know some good ones.  Most of them had to go through some very painful things to get to the good but they did.

Besides needing to live alone, I know what my issues do to other people.  I saw a man I truly loved hurt every time I retreated into that bad, dark place.  I was suffering & so was he.  He didn't understand why I pulled away from him in every way possible even though I tried to explain that he had done nothing wrong.  Eventually, he found what he needed from someone else.  I almost didn't survive it.

So, I can't live with someone & I can't be an active participant in a relationship all the time.  Besides that, I just plain don't like anyone seeing me when I am so deeply sad or numb & distant.  It is ugly.  Doesn't really leave a lot to offer someone.  Hey, if I was a young, thin supermodel, they might overlook some of the bad.  Nope.  Disappointing there too.

Now surprisingly, there are a couple of guys in my life who claim they love me.  I am not sure how deep that love goes & I am not dating either one.  I have known them a really long time, since before I was on medication & when I was thin & maybe even a little cute.  I didn't know I was thin but pictures prove it to me now.  One I dated in high school & he tells me we should have gotten married back then because we would still be married.  Ha!  That is my response to him.  Ha!  I worked with the other for many years starting right after my divorce.  His nest is about to be empty so I think he sees me as the answer to his loneliness.  They are both very good men with big hearts.  That doesn't change the fact that I am broken & always will be.  On this earth anyway.  The pressure to make another person happy & not show it when all I want to do is be by myself, to be invisible, is more than I can stand.  My doctors tell me to avoid stress when at all possible.  That would not be a stress-free situation.  Ever.  And as far as dating anybody goes, dating leads to kissing which leads to a more physical relationship.  Although I haven't always lived that way, I don't want a physical relationship outside of marriage and, as I have been telling you, marriage is out for me.  Unless someone wants to marry a broken woman & live next door to her.  Nah.  Still too much pressure.  Guess I will just keep watching Netflix, being careful to avoid shows with romance & love & kissing & all that other unmentionable stuff.  Too bad I don't like sports.

dj